makkurataichou: (Default)
Swati ([personal profile] makkurataichou) wrote2017-04-20 11:53 pm

bleh

Two years later and I'm still a terrible programmer. Two years after coming to this country and I'm still a shitty designer. People say they're proud of me, but I've been experiencing impostor syndrome for a long time now.

I don't think I deserve to be here, even though I want to be here more than anything. I'm not good at what I do, and I never seem to improve at anything, whether it's coding or cooking or just being a human being. I'm still a selfish, possessive, unemotional and unsympathetic person sometimes, and I make myself sick. I see myself doing things that I want to change, but I'm too scared to change myself. I'm too afraid to open up, to trust others, to trust that the decisions I'm making are right. I don't trust myself, therefore I can hardly trust anyone else.

Sometimes I wish I could just become apathetic. I've been apathetic at work at least, but I feel like I've still needed validation from some source and I can't pinpoint that source. I hate being like this, I just want to feel no attachment to anything or anyone. But I also want to care. It's a constant struggle trying to find a balance -- if I overextend, I end up hurting myself, and if I'm selfish or callous, I end up hurting people.

I can't take care of myself if I try to be kind, but I can't always be kind while also expecting myself to be happy. I always have regrets. I always look back on my behaviour in the past and I end up hating myself. But I never change either, and knowing I'm going to stagnate without ever becoming a better person really, really hurts.

I want to be kind. I want to be generous. I want to care. But I'm afraid.