Jan. 22nd, 2017

makkurataichou: (Default)
One of my biggest fears is trying to help someone only to realize that I just made it worse.

I'm a huge introvert. It's not easy for me to reach out to people. But I also always wanna help and maybe I go overboard...sometimes I feel like I should take a step back. But when I try to talk to someone only to have them reject every single word I say, and then have them say I'm making it worse...it hits me hard. My chest seizes up, I start to spiral, and like the escapist that I am...I run away.

I'm sorry I make it worse, I really am, and I wish I could make it better. I'm sorry I don't always have the right words to say, and I feel like maybe I should just keep my mouth shut forever.

I regress a little every time this happens. I've built up an extroverted exterior over the years so I could try to reach out to more introverts like me, try to make them feel more comfortable. But when I'm told that I'm making things worse I crawl back into my shell because I realize that everything I am now is a lie, that I've built up a fake personality and tried so hard to convince myself that it's real.

I want to keep living the lie, because the more I do the more I genuinely feel like it becomes reality. But confrontations like this make me want to run away and hide. It's stupid and immature...I shouldn't be hiding, I should be working harder to make it real. But I'm weak, it's easy for me to be swayed by the opinions of the people around me. I need constant validation to know what I do and say is appropriate, and that in itself shows how little I've grown for real.

I know that I need to keep working on myself, so that someday the lie can genuinely become the truth, and I can eventually become a person I can be proud of. So until that day comes, I'm going to keep trying to be optimistic, keep trying to brush off the painful accusations, and keep trying to move forward.

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