Apr. 20th, 2017 11:53 pm
makkurataichou: (Default)
Two years later and I'm still a terrible programmer. Two years after coming to this country and I'm still a shitty designer. People say they're proud of me, but I've been experiencing impostor syndrome for a long time now.

I don't think I deserve to be here, even though I want to be here more than anything. I'm not good at what I do, and I never seem to improve at anything, whether it's coding or cooking or just being a human being. I'm still a selfish, possessive, unemotional and unsympathetic person sometimes, and I make myself sick. I see myself doing things that I want to change, but I'm too scared to change myself. I'm too afraid to open up, to trust others, to trust that the decisions I'm making are right. I don't trust myself, therefore I can hardly trust anyone else.

Sometimes I wish I could just become apathetic. I've been apathetic at work at least, but I feel like I've still needed validation from some source and I can't pinpoint that source. I hate being like this, I just want to feel no attachment to anything or anyone. But I also want to care. It's a constant struggle trying to find a balance -- if I overextend, I end up hurting myself, and if I'm selfish or callous, I end up hurting people.

I can't take care of myself if I try to be kind, but I can't always be kind while also expecting myself to be happy. I always have regrets. I always look back on my behaviour in the past and I end up hating myself. But I never change either, and knowing I'm going to stagnate without ever becoming a better person really, really hurts.

I want to be kind. I want to be generous. I want to care. But I'm afraid.
makkurataichou: (Default)
Please don't invalidate your friends' attempts to reach out to you. Please don't forget that there are people who love you and care about you and want you to be happy always.

Please try to remember the times your friends are there for you, especially during the times that they can't be. Please don't forget that your friends are human too, that they experience happiness and sorrow and anxiety just like you do, if not more. Please don't hold it against someone if they can't be there to support you because they had to take care of themselves first.

Please don't push away the people who try to hurts more than you can imagine, and it makes them more afraid to reach out in the future. It makes them feel guilty when all they can do is sit there and watch in silence because they're afraid that they'll make it worse if they try.

And please support your friends when you have the capacity to do so. Please let them know how much you love them and care for them in whatever way you can, even if it means just sending them a hug or a positive thought. Every single acknowledgement means the world to them.

Please surround yourself with positivity, and inject positivity where it's needed if you can. We can't all be perfect at all times, but if we're able to handle each other at our worst, we'll come out much stronger for it when we're at our best.
makkurataichou: (Default)
One of my biggest fears is trying to help someone only to realize that I just made it worse.

I'm a huge introvert. It's not easy for me to reach out to people. But I also always wanna help and maybe I go overboard...sometimes I feel like I should take a step back. But when I try to talk to someone only to have them reject every single word I say, and then have them say I'm making it hits me hard. My chest seizes up, I start to spiral, and like the escapist that I am...I run away.

I'm sorry I make it worse, I really am, and I wish I could make it better. I'm sorry I don't always have the right words to say, and I feel like maybe I should just keep my mouth shut forever.

I regress a little every time this happens. I've built up an extroverted exterior over the years so I could try to reach out to more introverts like me, try to make them feel more comfortable. But when I'm told that I'm making things worse I crawl back into my shell because I realize that everything I am now is a lie, that I've built up a fake personality and tried so hard to convince myself that it's real.

I want to keep living the lie, because the more I do the more I genuinely feel like it becomes reality. But confrontations like this make me want to run away and hide. It's stupid and immature...I shouldn't be hiding, I should be working harder to make it real. But I'm weak, it's easy for me to be swayed by the opinions of the people around me. I need constant validation to know what I do and say is appropriate, and that in itself shows how little I've grown for real.

I know that I need to keep working on myself, so that someday the lie can genuinely become the truth, and I can eventually become a person I can be proud of. So until that day comes, I'm going to keep trying to be optimistic, keep trying to brush off the painful accusations, and keep trying to move forward.
makkurataichou: (Default)
It's a little odd making a transition from Livejournal to Dreamwidth but I guess I'll get used to it. Here's a placeholder entry so I can see how posts display on my page.

I may migrate some of my entries over to this blog, too. Let's see.


makkurataichou: (Default)

April 2017

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